My ADHD Brain

Music has been a constant in my life and I have always associated it, like most may, with different aspects of my life by seeing passion and deeper emotions in lyrics, tone, and melodies within songs. Growing up, my house has always had a steady flow of rhythm and pulse in the background at any moment with my dad's collection of a full bookcase of CD’s. Music is what keeps me focused, on task, and calms my anxieties when the world is overstimulating. I want to bring forth a small collection of songs that have resonated with me and represent different points of my young life and let you in, to understand my brain on ADHD. 

‘Takes Me a While’ by Atticus Walker kicks off this playlist because as a female with ADHD and growing up undiagnosed until late into my teenage years, I was met with a myriad of conflicts and lack of understanding from adults and even professionals (like teachers, doctors, specialists). This song’s lyrics scream sad angst, and lack of understanding from others. I was always told by my parents that I seemed different from the other kids in my classes. I was looked down upon for being genuinely a bit out there compared to my peers and not sizing up to them in certain academic aspects. So what if I’m always looking elsewhere if someone is talking to me or a group that I am part of? So what if I seem spacey? I am still fully listening to what is being said, but may not appear to be fully engaged because my eyes are wandering elsewhere. That was simply how I would listen, keeping myself entertained by the world around me while someone was droning on and on about a mundane topic. I was frequently lectured on how to act, what is expected of me, and how to appear to be like everyone else–how to appear “normal”. It may take me time or even a while to complete a task, seem to grasp concepts, or express my genuine self, but that shouldn’t be looked down upon by anyone. 

‘Kids’ by Current Joys, with its delicate and sad indie sound, encapsulates the confusion, innocence, and lost nature I felt when I was young. I never felt like I was living up to my peers, parents’ aspirations of me, or my own hopes of being what I thought I could become. I was seen by schoolmates as annoying, overly talkative when excited, and different. Emotional regulation is not always easy with ADHD. Processing events or ideas can be quite challenging and may take longer for individuals with ADHD to understand compared to neurotypical people. As a child, I was always jumping from friend to friend. I would wholeheartedly assume someone was my best friend because we share a common interest, but their friendship would be short-lived because it would soon fade out and devastate me. This happened for years and I struggled to maintain friendships for a long time because I wanted to be friends with everyone in my class. I still find it somewhat difficult to maintain multiple friendships because of working full-time, but I have been able to form bonds with friends, even from middle school. 

‘Redesign’ by awfultune surely resonates with me. Their quirky lyrics, manic and heart rate increasing instrumentals create and demonstrate how the mind and its wants can change directions on a dime. Emotions, decisions, and urges constantly fluctuate to keep yourself stimulated and sane. Having ADHD is when your brain’s neurotransmitters are imbalanced and do not produce enough dopamine to stimulate the brain to keep focus, motivation, find mundane tasks easy to accomplish, and process information quickly. It is as if you’re trying a new hobby–for example, embroidery–and you are fully invested in embroidery for the first day you purchased the kit and immediately begin starting the process. A day later, you lose interest in the hobby because it may have taken hours to learn a certain type of stitch, so you have it sitting out for potential to continue. However, you choose a different creative outlet the following day, always keeping in your mind that embroidery is fun, but have more excitement for something else and probably will not finish that new hobby after having a small taste—just like the last incomplete hobby. 

The inner monologue in the ADHD brain never ceases, always making comments through the day. Sometimes it’s random observations or thoughts, other times it may be reminders regarding things that needed that reminder days ago: observations of the shoes that someone may be wearing, reminder to schedule an appointment with your therapist that you haven’t seen in five months, should I get another haircut? Did I feed my cats today? Do the dishes…oh wait, watch 10 episodes of Death Note instead, the dishes will still be there after… and the inner voice never ends. ‘‘I’ve Seen Footage’ by Death Grips is intense, rapid paced, and violates the ears when played too loud. The brain is constantly changing thoughts, wants, and even perceptions. Thoughts flash through my mind at times like street signs when you speed down the highway, not fully catching what the sign reads because it's blurry. Thoughts interrupt each other constantly, almost competing with each other. 

With ADHD, it can be easy to get into a rut and feel like even trying to accomplish the smallest of tasks can be so strenuous to the brain. Having three items on a to-do list can cause so much anxiety that you feel paralyzed because you don’t have a clue which task to start with or what may be the first steps to get a task going. Being a person with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder creates many hurdles within daily activities of life that sometimes make being an independent “adult” seem impossible. ‘Nothing’ by VELVETEARS and eli filosov [ p h i l o ]’s sad slow pulse mixed with a little lofi almost melts the listener in their chair or couch. Wanting to do so many tasks while simultaneously wanting to do nothing truly describes how ADHD overwhelms the person when their brain has overstimulation and lack of executive function to start any task at hand. 

There are many positives from having a diagnosis for ADHD. Establishing ways to properly express emotions or regulate them sometimes may be tricky, but it’s good to give yourself patience and say to yourself that not everyone has this going on and may not struggle with the same challenges. That’s where the last song on this playlist comes to play. ‘as if’ by glaive is an anthem to outsiders and outcasts that people perceive as different, giving those a voice and saying that you don’t need to change for people to accept you—just be your unapologetic self. Without my busy thoughts, I wouldn’t be able to make random conversations with people I just met in passing, asking them a myriad of questions, even interrupting my own thoughts just out of excitement and curiosity. It has taken a long time for me to fully accept my neurodivergent-self, but seeing myself grow and know that I am capable of many things has given me confidence to follow my goals and to even try new hobbies and stick with them longer. I hope that this playlist has given you, the reader, an insight into what a brain with ADHD may be like.